Preplanning is Preparing

 Let me make it clear right from the start I am one of those people who know at least a dozen synonyms to use in place of the word "death." I am one of those people who have a difficult time saying, writing or even thinking the word.

For most of my adult like I have been able to avoid or to be spared the task of having to make funeral arrangements for a family member. When my father died, my mother took care of everything. When my sister died, her husband made all of the arrangements.

Then mother started to get older and her health began to fail. I had a hard time with that. I was sure she was going to live forever. But several trips to the hospital and a stay in an extended care facility forced me to face reality. 

The stress of being her caregiver was impacting on my own health. I not only had to face here mortality, I had to face my own. If anything happened to me, there would have been no one to make sure her last wishes were carried out.

I decided to bite the bullet. I would preplan my mother's funeral.

After several attempts at dialing the number and hanging up before the phone could ring, I finally spoke to the funeral director who had handled my dad's final arrangements. He was kind and understanding and gentle with me. We set up an appointment. 

Keeping that appointment was very difficult for me. I could think of a long list of other places I should be and other things I would rather be and other things I would rather be doing. Way down deep I knew that I did not want to deal with the "d" word.

I went to the funeral home and met with the funeral director. Once again he was kind, gentle and understanding. He told me he knew how hard it must have been for me not only to make the decision but also to keep our appointment.

We talked about a variety of things. He wanted to be brought up to date on what had happened in my life since the death of my father. I began to understand this was a man who truly cared about people. Here was a man whose life was devoted to assisting the living to survive the trauma of death. 

The most difficult part of this process, for me, was the selection of the casket. There was something very final about the choice. But, oddly enough, as I walked into the display room, I remembered that a long time before, my mother and I had talked about it. She wanted to be buried in  blue steel casket. The difficulty and the finality of the choice was made much easier when I realized I was truly carrying out one of her wishes. 

We talked about church services and a public viewing and the right dress and the obituary that would appear in the paper. We talked about the cemetery and the route of the procession.

Mother had told me there were certain photographs she would like buried with her. He told me he would slip them under her pillow. 

We talked about the cost of the funeral and what was included in the base price and what was extra. (The only extra, by the way, was the cost of placing the death notice in the newspaper.)

The funeral director told me he would draw up a contract spelling out all of the arrangements we had agreed upon and listing the cost of each item. I was anxious for closure so I asked if he could do it while I waited. He did. I gave him a check for the full amount. By prepaying, I was guaranteed that regardless of inflation or any other cost increase factors, mother's funeral would not cost a single cent more than the contracted price. He told me that my check would be deposited into a special escrow account so the funds would be available when it would be needed. 

As I left the funeral home and returned to my car, I felt a great sense of peace and relief. Thanks in large measure to the extraordinary "people skills" of the funeral director, the process had turned out to be much less of a painful ordeal than I had anticipated.

The day came when mother died. I cannot begin to tell you how much I appreciated having preplanned. It enabled me to concentrate on dealing with my grief. I did not have to make decisions at a time when I might not have been capable of making good ones. I didn't have to be concerned about overlooking any details because they had all been taken care of months ago.

The decision to preplan is not always an easy one to make. But the rewards make it worth it. 

Preplanning Is Preparing was penned by John P. O'Neill and appeared in Thanatos: A Realistic Journal Concerning Dying, Death and Bereavement Summer, 1992.